


The Phantom's Menace

by BeautyAndStrength



Category: Le Fantôme de l'Opéra | Phantom of the Opera & Related Fandoms
Genre: And Other Kinds of humor, Chaos, Characters From Other Fandoms Make Guest Appearances Later, Don't Like Don't Read, F/M, I Don't Even Know, I Mean Blatant Self-Insert, Meme, No OC Persona, Parody, Photos with Captions, Self-Insert, The Author Regrets Nothing, This is weird, meta af, self depreciating humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 09:40:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21177317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeautyAndStrength/pseuds/BeautyAndStrength
Summary: My mischievous mixed-up misadventures in the Opera Garnier as an obsessed Phan stalking her favorite stalker, the Phantom of the Opera. Things are about to get weird!





	1. That Look

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I'm not going to beat around the bush, here. This is a shameless self-insert. In other words, a Me-The-Author-Insert. Like, I'm not even trying to hide it behind an OC or anything. This is literally me, as a character, inserted into the POTO universe. Or some super meta version of it. It's really supposed to be purely for fun and giggles. 
> 
> I don't even plan these episodes, like ever. I just peruse through Google Images for random POTO pictures and put random captions to ones I like before wrapping it all up in a wild little episode featuring me as an obsessed Phan who stalks and harasses Erik to no end. And I have way too much fun writing it!
> 
> I started making these five years ago on Deviantart.com, and they kind of just took off and became a series which does in fact have faithful readers. The series is still going on, by the way, so I thought why not share the madness here?
> 
> So, here you go! Enjoy!
> 
> (I own nothing, except the insanity that conceived these)

**Erik**: "Do I look angry to you?"  
  
**Me**: "I can't tell. You sort of always look that way."  
  
**Erik**: (Glares)  
  
**Daroga**: "You should probably start running now."  
  
**Me**: "You're not even in this musical!"  
  
**Daroga**: "Neither are you."  
  
**Me**: "Good point!" (bolts)  
  
**Erik**: (grabs lasso and follows)  
  
**Christine**: "Erik, stop!" (follows him)  
  
**Daroga**: "Erik, I said no more killing!" (follows)  
  
**Raoul**: (with rope around his neck) "I guess I'll just wait here, then?" (pauses) "Guys? Hello?"


	2. He Got This!

**Raoul**: "It's fine! I can handle this!"  
  
**Me**: "Are you sure you don't need any help?"  
  
**Raoul**: "No no, it's all right! I've gotten myself out of worse situations than this! It's nothing." (makes gagging noises as he struggles with the rope)  
  
**Me**: "Seriously, the mob is just down the tunnel. I can get them if you want."  
  
**Raoul**: "That won't be necessary. I can get myself out. Piece of cake!"  
  
**Me**: "Alright. If you say so." (to Erik) "Isn't his confidence level just staggering?"  
  
**Erik**: "WHO ARE YOU!?!?!"


	3. Selective Hearing

**Me**: "Erik..."  
  
**Erik**: "No! Be quiet! I refuse to believe your lies!"  
  
**Daroga**: "What's wrong with him?"  
  
**Me**: "I just told him what happens to Christine at the end of Love Never Dies."  
  
**Daroga**: "Seriously!?"  
  
**Me**: "What? Bad Idea?"  
  
**Daroga**: "Very bad!"  
  
**Christine**: (walks in) "What happens to me?"  
  
**Me**: "Well....." (Daroga claps his hand over my mouth)  
  
**Daroga**: "Nothing! Nothing happens!"  
  
**Christine**: "Oh, alright." (walks out)  
  
**Daroga**: (to me) "Whatever you do, do NOT tell Raoul what Frederick Forsyth did to him in 'The Phantom of Manhattan'. Understand?"   
  
**Me**: "Are you crazy?! Of course not!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys want to know what's going on here, just look up Forsyths' novel 'Phantom of Manhattan' and Andrew Lloyd Webbers' 'Love Never Dies' (or look up their summaries on Google) and you'll see what all the fuss is about here.


	4. Where's the Mouthwash

**Raoul**: "Does he know that Christine just took a huge gulp of sewer water a moment ago?"  
  
**Me**: "Judging by the look on his face, he just figured it out."


	5. Stalkers in Boats

**Me**: (randomly appearing) "Yeah, Christine! Don't you know the difference between a boat and a Gondola?"  
  
**Erik**: "How did _you_ get here?!"  
  
**Me**: "I'm always here, Erik. And I'm always watching."  
  
**Erik**: "........."  
  
**Me**: "What?"  
  
**Erik**: "You scare me."  
  
**Christine**: "I have no idea what's going on!"


	6. No Comparison

**Me**: "Chaney Phantom, one. Gerik, zero."  
  
**Chaney Phantom**: "Thank you, my dear."  
  
**Gerik**: "You're not helping!"  
  
**Chaney Phantom**: "Don't talk back to me, boy!"  
  
**Gerik**: "You're not the boss of me!"  
  
**Me**: "Actually, he's the first great movie Phantom ever. So, technically, he does have authority over you."  
  
**Chaney Phantom**: (chuckles) "I like her. Let's keep her!"  
  
**Gerik**: (facepalm)  
  
**Me**: "OMG!!! Chaney Phantom likes me!!!!" (fangirls)  
  
**Chaney Phantom**: "She's an excitable one, isn't she?"  
  
**Gerik**: "You have no idea. So stop encouraging her!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thanks to Lon Chaney's Phantom for making a guest appearance. *Whispers* He's still the best!


	7. Secretly Evil

**Me**: "Um, Christine. Are you alright?"  
  
**Christine**: "Oh, I'm fine." (continues to smile evilly)  
  
**Me**: "Seriously Christine, your creepy smile is starting to freak me out!"  
  
**Christine**: (continues to smile)  
  
**Me**: "Christine?"  
  
**Christine**: "I will rule all of you!"  
  
**Me**: "That's it! It's official! She's lost it!" (to Erik) "I blame you for this."  
  
**Erik**: "Why is it always my fault?!"  
  
**Me**: "It's always you!"   
  
**Erik**: "Oh yeah sure! Blame the masked sociopath for everything! Real classy! If anything, it's your pestering that has driven her over the edge."  
  
**Me**: (pauses) "I see your point." 


	8. Possessive

**Me**: "Keep your hands off of Daroga! He is mine and no one else can have him!"  
  
**Me**: (clings to Daroga's arm)  
  
**Me**: "I love you."   
  
**Daroga**: "Um, thank you. I'm...uh...so glad to hear that."  
  
*L O N G A W K W A R D S I L E N C E*  
  
**Daroga**: "Um, you can let go of me now."  
  
**Me**: "Never."   
  
**Daroga**: (to Raoul) "Help me, please."  
  
**Raoul**: "Sorry, dude. You're on your own."   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? Erik's not the only one to suffer my obsessive fangirl self. This time it was Daroga's turn to be the victim. Good Lord, I love Daroga so much and I am saddened by how neglected he is. He need more attention, like seriously!


	9. Such An Ass!

**Me:** "Oh my gosh, Erik! You are such a pervert!"  
  
**Erik:** "What? I peeked into her dressing room through a one way mirror for years. Are you really that shocked by this?"  
  
**Me:** "Well....um, no. But still, you don't just grab a woman's butt."  
  
**Erik:** "But I've been looking and not touching for so long, I couldn't help myself."  
  
**Me:** "Creep! I'll rip your hands off if you dare place them anywhere near her ass, or my ass."  
  
**Erik:** "Sorry, I'm not interested in your ass. Besides, my hands aren't big enough to fit around your ass. No hands in existence are THAT big."  
  
**Me: ** (Glares) "Just sing your stupid song!"  
  
**Christine:** "Will you two stop flirting already!"


	10. This Is Not Legal

**Me:** "You wrapped a noose around his neck. What the heck do you expect??"  
  
**Erik:** "Well then, _you _marry us!"  
  
**Me:** "I can't! You wrapped a noose around _my _neck too, remember?"  
  
**Erik:** "Oh yeah..."  
  
**Me:** "Besides, neither of us can legally marry you two. You'd have to have kidnapped a priest to do that."  
  
**Erik:** (pauses then gets a devious smirk on his face)  
  
**Christine: **"Erik, don't!"  
  
**Raoul:** "No, Erik!"  
  
**Me:** "Erik, don't you dare!"   
  
**Erik:** "I'll be right back." (turns and runs out of the lair)  
  
*Silence. Christine and Raoul turn and look at me*  
  
**Me: **(sheepishly) "Oops...."  
  
**Raoul:** "The next time you feel the overwhelming need to talk, just DON'T!!!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, that is Pirates of the Caribbean that was quoted above. You're welcome!


	11. Tune Deaf

**Me: **Erik, you're supposed to be singing Webber's music. That's Kesha.  
  
**Erik: **This place about to blo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow! Blo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow!   
  
**Me: **Nope, that's still Kesha. You're drunk, aren't you?  
  
**Erik: **Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to talk!   
  
**Me: **Whoa! You just went right from Kesha to the Bee Gees. You really _are _drunk.  
  
**Erik **Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, we're stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!   
  
**Andre: **I don't think that's how this scene goes.  
  
**Erik: **I live for the applause, applause, applause! Live the applause-plause, live for the applause-plause. Live for the way that you cheer and scream for me! The applause, applause, applause!   
  
**Firmin: **Nope, definitely NOT how it goes.  
**  
** **Erik:** (pointing to Charlotta) That, that dude looks like a lady!   
  
**Charlotta: **(offended) Well! (to me) I blame you, you little toad!  
  
**Me: **Right, because it's always my fault!"  
  
**Raoul: **It kinda is.  
  
**Erik: **My songs know what you did in the dark!   
  
**Me: **OK, maybe it is.  
  
**Erik: **You've been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal!   
  
**Me: **Uh, Erik...  
  
**Erik: **(pointing to Christine) Shot through the heart! And you're to blame! You give love a bad name!   
  
**Me: **Erik?  
  
**Erik: **Here I am! Rock you like a hurricane!   
  
**Me: **OK, that's it! That's last time I'm letting you borrow my ipod!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs included here:
> 
> Tik Tok, and Blow - Kesha.  
Stayin Alive - The Bee Gees  
Applause - Lady Gaga  
Dude, Looks like a Lady - Aerosmith  
My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark - Fall Out Boy  
Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson  
You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi  
Rock You like a Hurricane - The Scorpions


	12. Life-Size

**Me: **Oh really? What gave you that idea?   
  
**Erik: **(glares) You know, having you here, right now, at this particular moment, is not only inconvenient but a little creepy as well.  
  
**Me: **(Raises eyebrows then turns and looks at the Christine mannequin right next to me before looking back at Erik with a cocked eyebrow)  
  
**Erik: **Don't look at me like that!  
  
**Me: **(looks at the mannequin again, pokes its shoulder and watches it wobble a bit before looking at Erik again)  
  
**Me: **You and I must have very different definitions of creepy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Christine mannequin is going to be the subject of quite a few episodes in the future. Such a fun detail and so easy to come up with comedic material for.


	13. Man Sewer

**Me: **You mean the sewer.  
  
**Erik: **It's not a sewer! Will you buzz off??  
  
**Me: **I will if you let me use the gondola to get back.  
  
**Erik: **I already told you; the gondola is off limits! Just swim back.  
  
**Me: **I am NOT swimming through this putrid sewer water!  
  
**Erik: **It's an underground lake, not sewer water!  
  
**Me: **Yeah, just like how this isn't a sewer.  
  
**Erik: **I already told you, IT'S A MAN CAVE! Now shut up, you're killing my mojo here!  
  
**Me: **Dude, your mojo was dismembered and tossed in a ditch the second you moved down here.   
  
**Christine: **On his defense, this place does smell like a man cave.  
  
**Erik: **Thank you! Wait, what?  
  
**Me: **Nah, man caves smell more like sweat and moldy food. This place smells more like dead rats, feces and piss. Not to mention the stench of the corpses in the catacombs next door.  
  
**Erik: **It's not that bad!  
  
**Me: **Sweetheart, all of Paris's excrement ends up down here. You're not fooling anyone, and neither are these scented candles.  
  
**Erik: **What? They add mystery and character.  
  
**Me: **But why do they have to be on the floor? That has to be a violation of some fire hazard law.  
  
**Erik: **You are one sentence away from getting hanged.  
  
**Me: **Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before. By the way, what's with the fog?  
  
**Christine: **I don't think that's fog....  
  
**Me: **(pauses then looks down) Oh, that's disgusting!  
  
**Erik: **(to Christine) You're not helping the situation here!  
  
**Me: **At least she doesn't live in a sewer.  
  
**Erik: **(through gritted teeth) It...is not...A SEWER.  
  
**Me: **(pretends to think) No, I going to have to say...sewer. What do you think, Christine?  
  
**Christine: **Yep. definitely a sewer.  
  
**Erik: **Alright, alright, IT'S A SEWER! SHEESH!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha! OK, I know Erik doesn't actually live in a sewer. He lives in the catacombs under the opera house. But I just couldn't resist making a joke about this. And it won't be the last time! I have no plans of letting Erik live this one down.


	14. Crossovers

**Erik: **Let me try again. (clears throat) Why dost thou not speak, Monsieurs?  
  
**Me: **Close, but too Shakespearean. Try again.  
  
**Erik: **Okay. (clears throat again) Why so serious?  
  
**Joker: **(appears) Hey, that's my line, buddy boy.  
  
**Me: **(does a double-take) What are you doing here???  
  
**Joker: **I haven't a clue, baby-doll.  
  
**Batman: **(appears) Neither do I, but we're not staying. We are going back to Gotham the way we came. You're coming with me, Joker. (grabs him)  
  
**Joker: **Hey hey hey! Easy on the man-handling, bat-face! Can't you see this is a party? We should be having fun.  
  
**Batman: **Except that your idea of fun is massive amounts of explosions and a one-way ticket to prison.  
  
**Joker: **Which always becomes a two-way ticket somehow...(smirks)  
  
**Erik: **(laughs, then looks at the managers) And you thought me dropping the chandelier on everyone was bad! (laughs some more)  
  
**Charlotta: **This is madness! What is going on here??  
  
**Jack Sparrow: **(staggers in) That's what I would like to know, mate.   
  
**Me: **Jack Sparrow????  
  
**Jack Sparrow: **CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow! Why can't people get it right?! (looks around) Are you having a party? Oh, I LOVE parties! Drinks all around!! (gets up in the managers' faces as they back away in disgust) You don't by any chance have any rum, do you? (monkey girl comes up from behind him and snatches his hat) Give that back! (she runs) I hate that monkey! (chases after her)  
  
**Me: **(to Erik) Are you doing this?  
  
**Erik: **(laughs) No. I was just going to give a speech and threaten everyone I hated but this is way more entertaining!  
  
**Me: **Well, do something! Fix this!  
  
**Erik: **If I could, maybe. But I can't. So I guess I'll just relax and enjoy the show.  
  
**Me: **(groans)  
  
**Erik: **And your frustration and confusion just makes it all the better.  
  
**Me: **(glares at him, then looks down the steps and sees a new arrival) Gandalf???  
  
**Gandalf: **(turns and looks up at me) Oh, good evening, my dear. It seems as though I am an unexpected guest at this party and I seem to have lost my hobbits.  
  
**Me: **You don't by any chance know how you and the others got here, do you?  
  
**Gandalf: **(looks at Batman and Joker, who gives him a wave) Um, sorry, my dear. I don't know how we got here nor how we will get back. But, I'm sure I can figure it out. I just need to find a moth. Please excuse me. (he walks out)  
  
**Me: **(groans)  
  
**Erik: **Oh, this just keeps getting better and better!  
  
**Me: **Shut your mouth! (to everyone else) Does anyone have any clue as to what's going on???  
  
(The TARDIS suddenly appears in the middle of the room, the door opens and the 10th Doctor pops out)  
  
**Doctor: **I can answer that!  
  
**Me: **Um, okay? What's the verdict, Doc.  
  
**Doctor: **Let's start by saying, this is your fault.  
  
(collective groan from everyone)  
  
**Erik: **OF COURSE IT IS!  
  
**Me: **Shut up, Erik! (to the Doctor) How is this my fault?!  
  
**Doctor: **It's really quite simple; your over excessive love of crossovers has ripped a hole in the fabric of time and space and opened a doorway to other worlds. (looks around) And judging by the look of it, it's a one way street to here.  
  
(The Monkey Girl suddenly runs across the floor in front of the TARDIS, with Jack Sparrow following close behind)  
  
**Jack Sparrow: **Give me hat back or I'll send you down to Davey Jones Locker! I've been there. Trust me, it's extremely unpleasant! (they both disappear into the crowd)  
  
**Doctor: **(stares for a whole minute) I don't even want to know!  
  
**Me: **You know how to fix this, don't you Doc?  
  
**Doctor: **Actually, no. (I give him an 'are you serious?' look) But don't panic! Just give me some time and I'll have it all patched up in a jiffy! In the mean time, it looks like you all are having quite a shindig. Mind if I join in? (walks over and snatches Piangi's drink from his hand) Thanks, mate. (sips it)  
  
**Me: **You know, as annoyed and frustrated as I am by all this, I'm actually starting to enjoy it.  
  
**Erik: **Aw, now it's not fun anymore. (turns to leave)  
  
**Me: **(grabs his arm) Stay with me, Erik. Let's see who else shows up.  
  
**Erik: **This is either going to be really weird or really disastrous. Most likely both.  
  
**Frank N'Furter: **(struts in) I'm just a sweet transvestite, from transsexual Transylvania, ha ha!   
  
**Erik: **What did I tell you?  
  
**Doctor: **Well, at least this guy fits in this scene. After all, there's this half man half woman...person, standing next to me. (turns to the person) Love your costume, by the way.  
  
**Joker: **(to Batman) See? I'm not the only man who likes to wear makeup on a regular basis. (to Frank) By the way, how do you get your makeup to look so perfect? Mine looks like I face-planted onto a paint palette.   
  
**Frank N'Furter: **Practice, baby. You'll get it in time. Perhaps...(laughs) I can give you some tips sometime.  
  
**Christine: **(aside, to Raoul) Let's go, Raoul. Please? (he nods and the two of them leave)  
  
**Andre: **Oh, my head! I must leave, Firmin. My head hurts!  
  
**Firmin: **I agree, Andre. This is too much for me! (they leave)   
  
**Erik: **Okay, now I can't look away. This is far more fascinating than what I was going to do. I'm actually curious to see who else shows up now.  
  
**Jareth: **(appears in a puff of smoke) You remind me of the babe! The babe with the power! The power of voodoo!   
  
**Doctor: **Whoo! Now it's a party!  
  
**Frank N'Furter: **Oh, I love a man in tight pants!  
  
**Erik: **I don't know who the man with the strange hair is, but for some reason, I like him!  
  
**Me: **Oy vay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to include more characters from other fandoms, but that would have made this episode even longer. That is why this Crossovers story line is going to continue over the next three, four or five episodes. We'll be seeing more characters from all over the fandom-verse later.
> 
> Guest stars, by order of appearance:  
Batman and the Joker - Batman franchise, most likely Nolan-verse. (c) DC  
Jack Sparrow - Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. (c) Disney  
Gandalf - Lord of the Rings and Hobbit series. (c) J.R.R Tolkien and Peter Jackson  
10th Doctor - Doctor Who (c) BBC  
Frank N'Furter - The Rocky Horror Picture Show (c) 20th Century Fox  
Jareth - Labyrinth (c) Jim Henson Company
> 
> By the way, Jareth's appearance at the end was my belated tribute to the late and great David Bowie. Rest in peace, Major Tom, I salute you! My king.


	15. No Comparison, Part II

**Me: **Honestly Gerik, I've had sunburns that were more frightening than that. Really, I have! I burn like a pig in a tanning booth.  
  
**Gerik: **That doesn't surprise me. You are one pasty little pudgeball.  
  
**Me: **(Glares and flips him off)  
  
**Chaney Phantom: **Now now, children, play nice.   
  
**Me: **(sticks tongue out at Gerik, who does the same)  
  
**Chaney Phantom: **Besides, she is right.  
  
**Me: **(Gives Gerik a triumphant grin)  
  
**Gerik: **(Rolls eyes then looks at Chaney Phantom) You do realize that she is basically saying you are the most hideous thing on the face of this planet, right?  
  
**Chaney Phantom: **Ah, but that's the point of the Phantom. Gaston Leroux made the Phantom to look like walking death, and that's why I am more superior to you. Were you able to make women faint in the theaters?  
  
**Me: **He probably made more than a couple swoon.  
  
**Chaney Phantom: **(to Gerik) Which is precisely why you fail and I am the success.  
  
**Gerik: **(snorts) Wow. This is hilarious! You're claiming victory for being the most hideously deformed bugger around. That's...kind of hysterical!  
  
**Chaney Phantom: **At least I don't look like him. (points to the Gill-Man standing across the room playing with one of the Phantom's masks)  
  
**Gill-Man: **(looks up at that remark, then looks down, looking hurt and dejected.)  
  
**Me: **Oh, don't be sad sweetheart! That's a compliment! Monsters are supposed to be ugly and terrifying. So, you're doing much better than Gerik.  
  
**Gill-Man: **(perks up and purrs happily)  
  
**Gerik: **Great! I'm being outdone by a fish!  
  
**Gill-Man: **(breathlessly) Water....?  
  
**Spongebob: **(from somewhere down the tunnel) YOU DON'T NEED WATER! WATER'S FOR QUITTERS!  
  
**Gill-Man: **(breathlessly) I NEED IT!  
  
**Chaney Phantom: **The Lake's right there.  
  
**Me: **(to Gill-Man) I wouldn't swim in that if I were you! It's sewer water.  
  
**Gerik, Chaney Phantom: **(in unison) IT'S A LAKE! NOT A SEWER!  
  
**Me: **Just keep telling yourselves that.  
  
**Gill-Man: **(breathlessly) It....works... (turns and dives into the Lake)  
  
**Chaney Phantom: **What is he doing here, anyway?  
  
**Me: **Well, remember that little incident I had before with the Crossovers? Yeah, that still hasn't been taken care of yet.  
  
**Gerik: **I guess that explains why there's a talking candlestick standing right next to me.  
  
**Me: **(Turns, looks over and waves) Oh, hey Lumiere!  
  
**Lumiere: **Bonjour, mon cheri! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guest stars, by order of appearance:  
The Gill-Man - The Creature from the Black Lagoon franchise (c) Universal  
Spongebob Squarepant - Spongebob Squarepants (c) Nickelodeon  
Lumiere - Beauty and the Beast (c) Disney
> 
> And a special thanks to Lon Chaney's phantom for showing up once again!


End file.
